My Three Part New Year’s Resolution
When I contacted Robin Danner and was offered this guest spot, it was like a first date with a really hot guy, equal parts thrilled and nervous. Oooh, I thought. On one hand, you’re doing the very last post before the New Year. On the other hand . . . it’s the very last post before the New Year.
I thought a lot about what I wanted to talk about. My accomplishments as a writer? The books I have coming out next? Issues with plot, heroes, heroines? Social media and marketing?
And then, I did what I always do. I decided to say screw whatever I was supposed to write about, and just write about what was real. So, as I always say, it’s about to get real in here.
I broke up with a guy not too long ago. It was one of those relationships that lasts a really long time, seems to be going somewhere, but isn’t—you know the type—emotionally unavailable guy that wants to have a relationship but can’t because he’s a manchild meets girl with bad boundaries. It’s a powder-keg that never ends well and causes both a parties a lot of hurt. One moment, he’s talking marriage; the next, he doesn’t know if he wants anything to do with you because you don’t “meet up to his expectations.” You start turning into a nag and a harpy, all while feeling like you’ve been walking on eggshells.
It was the kind of relationship where, once it’s over, you wonder why you didn’t break up a long time ago. The kind of relationship where the sting of solitude is more than made up for by the way your hair doesn’t fall out, your skin has stopped breaking out, and you can breathe again.
Hot on the heels of my breakup, I read a lot. I read advice books, psychology books, and yes, romance books. I will go on the record to state that it feels weird to be reading romance books when I was going through a breakup, but hey, it’s my job.
And this is the conclusion I’ve come to, a conclusion that no doubt many of you have come to already, but some of you haven’t, and you need to. It’s the resolution I want every single woman—or hell, every taken woman that isn’t happy, to make. I think if every woman on earth made this resolution, the world would be a thousand times better, with a lot less hurt in it. So welcome to the three-part resolution special.
Ready? Resolution Part I, repeat after me.
“I deserve my happily-ever-after ending.”
Some of you have already written this post off. Well, yeah, you say, everybody knows that. And if that’s how you feel, move on to another site, because this post isn’t for you, except that it still might be, because those of us with big hearts and decent brains can still be masters of denial.
For those of you still here, there are two other parts. Moving on:
Some of us read/watch/see a lot of romances where love is the end-all, be-all that changes the drinking gambler/dickish alpha-wolf/broken-hearted, widowed firefighter from un-uncommitted flip-flopper to The One.
This doesn’t actually happen. If he values you, he’ll step up. If he doesn’t, there’s nothing wrong with giving him space until he figures out whatever it is he needs to figure out.
So resolution Part II. Repeat after me.
“ I deserve my happily-ever-after relationship.”
What does that mean?
That means that you deserve to feel special, day-in, day-out. That means that once y’all are “established”, you should never ask yourself if he actually cares, if he enjoys hurting you, or if he’s going to be able to “handle” being with someone.
As adequately summed up as I can, he shouldn’t make you cry. Maybe one day a year, after his dog gets hit by a car, he’s kind of a douche—but he wises up, apologizes, and doesn’t make a pattern out of that behavior.
Remember. “I deserve my happily-ever-after relationship” means “I will not date men that make me feel shitty.”
This dovetails nicely into Resolution Part III, which is the method.
Resolution Part III, repeat after me.
“I will only date grown-ass men that know how to treat a lady.”
Is he unsure about what he’s doing with his life, and thinking he needs time to go find himself? Does he point out negative things about you, and tear you down to build his own ego up? Does he show up late all of the time? Does he lie to get out of trouble/keep you from finding out things he doesn’t want you to know? Does he not share well or fight fairly?
All of the above behaviors are indicative of a man that, although he may feels like he loves you with all his heart—is still a boy. Not a man. These are infantile behaviors. I mean it. I used to work in day care, and all of these things (except for maybe the first one, which is a little more high school/early college) is the crap we starting working with two year olds on.
Assume he’s twenty eight. He’s had twenty-six years to figure out how it’s okay to treat others in society. So if he exhibits the above behaviors, he’s still a boy, still figuring it out, and you need to step.
After all, we can’t be dating children.
So once again, my—and hopefully not only my—three part Year’s resolution, in summary.
- “I deserve my happily-ever-after ending.”
- “I deserve my happily-ever-after relationship.”
- “I will only date grown-ass men that know how to treat a lady.”
Have a wonderful 2013.
After a major car accident caused her to seriously re-assess her priorities, Maria Violante quit her job as a desk-jockey and started to pursue one of her longest running dreams—writing. Her first novel, Honda or Die, is doomed to remain on her hard drive until she can figure out how to bury it.
She writes in several different genres of speculative fiction, from demon-busting urban fantasy, to sci-fi clone romance, to romantic historical westerns–with shapeshifters! Whew!
She’s a foodie, an inveterate traveler, and a dog lover, and it would probably make her day if you sent her a tweet @violanteauthor.
Her most recent release, Gambler’s Luck, came out on December 24th of 2012. You can pick it up here: http://www.lsbooks.com/gamblers-luck-p735.php. Her next release, Wit Awakening (http://mariaviolante.com/wit-awakening/), comes out February 4th.