It’s Saturday night. You are tired of everything you see on any streaming channel and remember that right down the road is a kiosk from which you can rent a newish movie.
I think this qualifies as rule 1/2, okay? Go online at home and reserve the movies you want first, before ever going to the big red box. One and done. The only thing you have to do when you actually get to the Box, then, is swipe your credit or debit card and wait. Swipe and wait, people, swipe and wait. Much easier.
If you are still in the dark ages and don’t own a computer, or you just happen to be out and about and decide to pick up a movie on the way home, let’s be a little more considerate. See below.
- Are your hands clean? These red kiosks are a public use item, which means God only knows what cultures might be growing on the touchscreen. I certainly don’t want to use the screen after you’ve been eating some big greasy hamburger, or mining for green gold, or trying to pick the apple you had for lunch out of your teeth.
- The places of business putting out these kiosks also should make antibacterial wipes available just like they do next to the grocery carts. Why? See above.
- People, for the love of God, make your phone calls before you lean on the box, head under the screen, and start cruising for a movie. Do not call home three different times trying to get a popular consensus on what you should get, dimwit. People are waiting. More importantly, do not call someone and leave a message, then linger in front of the screen waiting for a callback. You’re a big boy and it’s only a couple bucks. Live dangerously.
- Please, for the love of all that’s holy, read the trailer information for movies some other time, like at home while you’re choosing your movies beforehand. I was once behind a man who read the synopsis of at least 16 different movies to his phone friend. I was just trying to return one movie before the 9:00 p.m. deadline. The horse’s ass ended up not renting anything, and I had to pay extra because of his obnoxiousness. Why? Because my email receipt showed 9:01 p.m.
- Speaking of deadlines, try to avoid the 8:55 p.m. rush. It’s not pretty. Whoever drew the short straw at home has to return the movie, and obviously the clothing choices reflect that. People, please remember that you will be seen returning the movie, oh Unshowered One. Wearing orange piggy flannel pajama bottoms and a red Wisconsin sweatshirt while rocking striped spa socks…I am judging you, and I am not alone. You’re making Walmartians look like fashion icons. (I’m not saying I wore that to return a movie. Okay, yes I did.)
- If for some unusual reason I have to stand at the kiosk and choose instead of having reserved my movies at home like I normally would, don’t you dare stand too closely behind me. It does not make me go faster. It skeeves me out and gives me butterfingers, causing my fingers to slip because it makes me nervous…
- …and threatened. If I feel threatened, it could also force me to break out my professional ninja moves and karate chop your solar plexus. It’s very possible that I could miss and deliver a massive blow to your junk, making you miss YOUR 9:00 p.m. deadline. Whoopsie! My advice: Back the heck off. You’ll get your turn.
Easy enough, right? You would think. So many people, however, observe no @Redbox etiquette whatsoever. I’m just doing a public service here.
Enjoy your movie.
*originally appeared on the Life and Times of Poopwa Foley
About the author:
Christine Cacciatore is a multi-published author who lives—and loves—to write. Together with her sister, Jennifer Starkman, she has published the magical novels Baylyn, Bewitched and Cat, Charmed, with the third book Elise, Evermore coming out soon. On her own, she has written Noah Cane’s Candy, a sassy holiday short romance and Knew You’d Come, a spicy paranormal romance novella. Also, Chris ventured into the Kindle Worlds Mary O’Reilly paranormal series and has written Trouble Lake and Grave Injury. They’re the perfect books to curl up with any time of year but especially Halloween…because they’re chock full of ghosts!
Chris is a member of the In Print Professional Writer’s Group in Rockford, IL and the Chicago Writer’s Association. In her spare time, Chris enjoys writing, reading, and coloring in her grandchildren’s coloring books with the good crayons. Chris is married to a devastatingly handsome man she met on eHarmony, has three children and a gigantic black dog who helps her pack lunches in the morning. She also has four of the most beautiful, intelligent grandchildren in the world, and their antics keep her in stitches.