It’s the Goat’s Fault

I’m the one who got Chloe and Paynter together. It’s my fault. I’m responsible.

And don’t give me any of that happy coincidence bull crap. Or it was an accident. Or karma or fate or—eye roll—whatever.

It was me. I did it.

You see, I didn’t really enjoy my life out on that farm. It was boring. Nothing but animals bouncing around, acting crazy, getting in my face and stealing my hay when I was looking the other way, usually scoping out somebody else’s hay to steal. One time those crazy ass farmers even had the nerve to dress me in pajamas.

I can assure you, that was the last time. Some scars don’t ever go away. Like the scar from when I caught a glimpse of myself as I trotted past the freshly-washed car parked outside the barn—it’s just as bad as the permanent bite marks indented in the farmer’s hand.

So anyway, I needed to get away from those animals. They weren’t my style. I needed freedom…or something. So I left. A cattle guard ain’t a goat guard, after all.

I trotted right down that driveway and wobbled over those really, really uncomfortable-to-walk-on metal things the farm laid across the ditch at the fence line. Then I bounced along next to the road—getting more than my fair share of horn honks, I might add. Once I reached the end of the fence line, I veered left and headed across the field next to the farm. Honks or no, it’s a little intimidating and maybe a tad scary to walk next to a road where giant metal contraptions on four—and sometimes two—rubber wheels zoom along at speeds I can’t even really fathom.

Okay, I admit I may have bounced a little at that point. Maybe a lot. But bouncing is so much fun, and that field was so wide open and…and irresistible. It’s possible I didn’t really mean to run away. It’s possible I only wanted to see if the grass really was greener on the other side of the fence. (It is.) It’s possible I was having so much fun leaping and jumping and vaulting that I didn’t realize I’d left the farm behind until, well, I did.

Well, it only made sense to forge ahead. Besides, there was a lake ahead of me and I was thirsty. And, well, I like splashing in the water. Which I did, a lot. Until I noticed something shiny on the other side. Well, not exactly shiny, but certainly interesting. Big, two-story brick buildings, surrounded by bright, colorful flowers.

Yummy flowers. I particularly enjoy hydrangeas, FYI.

So I trotted along the lake’s edge until I reached the yard belonging to one of those red brick structures, and then I headed straight for the pink and blue flowers.

That’s when the lady saw me, the one with the dark hair, big blue eyes, and red lips. The guy who lives next door says she looks like Liz Taylor, but I don’t actually know what that means, so… shrug.

Anyway, next thing I know, she’s wrapped a rope around my neck and is stalking toward the guy, who, by the way, is staring at her like he wants to eat her. It’s the same way I stare at the hydrangeas. And then she hands the rope to him and says the joke’s on him, and the next thing I know, my name is Dog.

But then she says that’s a lousy name for a goat.

Wait, you didn’t know you were reading a blog post written by a goat? You don’t think we can write blogs? We do it all the time!

In between eating the hydrangeas, anyway.

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If you’re curious as to what the hell the goat is talking about (and whether he got stuck with the name ‘Dog’), check out Chloe and Paynter’s book, Sexy Bad Neighbor:

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Tami Lund co-writes the Sexy Bad Series with Misti Murphy. Yes, there are other books in the series (Sexy Bad Daddy, Sexy Bad Boss, Sexy Bad Valentine). Yes, they are working on yet another book in the series. Join the Sexy Bad Lounge so you can stay up to date with what, when, where, how: https://www.facebook.com/groups/333091113758333/

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Grandma Sundays

Yesterday was a day like many other Sundays, meaning it was Grandma Sunday. I armed myself with hot dogs, mac and cheese, applesauce and juicy juice, with fruit snacks for later and goldfish crackers for reinforcements.

It was straight up noon when the first arrived: Alyssa (almost 5) and Sophia (little over 2), followed by Shawn (almost 2) in close succession. Soon after, the mommies and daddies leave, and now it’s just Papa and me. (Cue exciting Mission Impossible music)

I’m not naming names but one of them hardly ate anything except his juicy juice and his name rhymes with Dawn.

Boss Baby is currently the “in” movie for the two year old set, and after some Granny fumbling with the TV, we’re able to start the movie. That made the three grandies delirious with joy. I watched too, of course, and I have to admit, too, that it was pretty cute. Alyssa knows almost every single word of dialogue and repeats it. Papa Joe told me this morning over coffee that Alyssa reminds him of me, because I do the same thing while watching Practical Magic.bb

Our activity for the day was Easter egg coloring. I had boiled three dozen figuring at least a half dozen would be smashed to smithereens. The coloring commences and Papa and I were batting and grabbing at little hands that seemed to be everywhere at once. As fast as I rescued one egg from certain death, they’d grab another and hurl it into the glass coffee cup of dye with frightening accuracy and force seen only in fast pitch softball.eggs3eggs

If that weren’t exciting enough, Sophia chose that time to lose her balance and go ass over teakettle off the chair and onto the floor. While I wiped her tears, Shawn (seemingly unconcerned for her well-being) promptly burrowed into Papa’s arms and fell asleep.

We finish with the eggs, most of which surprisingly made it through, and move into the living room to color and play with the little kitchen with its attendant pots, pans, and silverware. (Note: if you don’t see a plastic toy knife on the floor in the kitchen and step on it, it will slide and take your hamstring with it. You’ve been warned.)aeggs

Because falling off the kitchen chair wasn’t exciting enough, Sophia decided she’d walk on the coffee table and after approximately one step she fell off that too. Luckily her top lip broke her fall. With the carrying on she did buried in my shoulder, I expected to see a tooth through said top lip, or a big bruise, or profuse bleeding but there was nothing. While sitting down and comforting her I thought I was losing the feeling in my toes because I had this cold feeling seeping through my foot but luckily that just turned out to be ice cold milk leaking out of the sippy cup, because Shawn knows how to loosen the lids.

Almost at the same time, I notice Alyssa’s back is bright red. She has fair skin and I thought she was having an allergic reaction. How could I see her bare back, you ask? That’s because when she gets to our house on Sundays, she watches her parents out the window and when she can’t see their car anymore, she will tell me that she’s “hot and itchy” and races down the hall to the “extra” dresser drawer that’s filled with spare mismatched clothing but also a puke green strappy tank top, which she puts on almost every single time she’s over. She struggles to get it on because she wears a 5 but the tank is a 3t. (Note: her back had an itch and she scratched it. No worries.)

Shawn woke up from his nap and now we’ve viewed Boss Baby a second time and the youngest two have choked down two packages of fruit snacks. Alyssa asks me if she can clean. Well, my momma didn’t raise any fools and I agree, then have to hide a smile as she uses half a package of baby wipes on my coffee table, book shelf, TV stand, and windows. Actually, pretty much any surface she can reach. She’s happy, though, and asks me if she can sweep too. She does a better and more thorough job than I ever did at five. Heck, she does a better job on the floor than I do now.

By the time my daughters come back to pick up the kids, I am exhausted…but happy. I marvel at their little faces. How much this one looks like her mother, another resembles a beloved aunt, and the third has toes just like his mother. It is the best feeling in the world to watch each of them learn, figure things out, read, make me fake soup and coffee in the kitchen, and of course have Alyssa (aka Becky Home-ecky) clean up the living room.

I won’t technically have them to myself for the next couple of Sundays. This Sunday is Easter, next Sunday I’ll be out of town…but you can bet that the whole time I’ll be thinking of fun things for the grandies to do, planning a kid friendly menu in my head, and of course making a to-do list for the oldest. Do you think she’ll do windows?

 

 

Seductive New Reads

Today, I bring you a bunch of seductive new reads – including my own book, Sexy Bad Boss, which is only 99 cents for the first time since it was released. So if you’re looking for something new, take a look. There are a variety of genres, so you’re bound to find something you’ll like!

Click the pic to get started…

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Today’s blog post is courtesy of Tami Lund, author, award winner, and wine drinker. When you’re done checking out the above books, have a stroll around her website for even more awesome reads: http://tamilund.com.