(Author’s note: this was written for a special edition April Fools in our office newsletter. The funniest part wasn’t the article, it was when someone who read the newsletter called to congratulate me on my new profession – and he didn’t know it was a fake article. It IS satire, by the way.)
Those who are used to calling the corporate office and talking to Chris Cacciatore will have to do without her for the next several months, as she is taking an extended leave of absence to fulfill a dream she has had since she was young—to be a WWE wrestler.
“I grew up around my two uncles, who were more like older brothers. My formative years were spent fighting off offers of ‘Hertz Donuts’ and twisty Indian burns, among other things. I also learned that the suggestion of ‘let’s see who can hit the softest’ was clearly not to see, in fact, who hit the softest.
“I grew tired of being pummeled. I began working out in the gym and eventually honed my body into a fighting machine. Soon, a trainer approached me about getting into the ring to do some professional wrestling and I thought, why not?”
Chris spent ten years in the wrestling circuit, learning famous moves such as the “Tombstone”, the “Flying Headbutt”, and perfecting “the People’s Eyebrow”.
“I stole that last one from The Rock after I beat him in a cage match,” Chris snickered. “I also have a new move that I plan on debuting later: “The Reverse Dog Lay”. It’s adapted from the “Downward Facing Dog” pose used in yoga. It lulls your opponent into a false sense of security before you steamroll them completely.”
Chris’ husband, Joe, supports her sabbatical completely. “I pretty much have to,” he confided, looking to see if his wife Chris overheard. “You don’t want to mess with her.”