I have noticed that there seems to be only three days in the week anymore. They are: Monday, Friday, and today. The weekends go far too fast. We shop for groceries on Friday night and one blink later, I’m packing lunches again on Monday. I refill our pill boxes, clean the bathroom, wash the floor one day and suddenly they already need to be done again because an entire week has passed. I have just gotten used to writing 2017 on our checks, for crying out loud.
Time is going way too fast and I don’t like it at all.
My father once told me that the years leading up to your 21st birthday go very, very slowly, but once you hit 21, your birthdays start coming in fives. He’s right. What he didn’t tell me was that after 30, they come in tens. 
I was joking with one of my kids that since I love Halloween so much, I should get the powers that be to rename October “Halloween.” It started me thinking, then, that the other months of the year could use a little tweaking too. I mean, since time is going by so quickly, might as well have some fun with it.
Therefore, I submit to you the new names of the months. For the Midwest, at least.
January shall now be known as Cold.
February should be known as Short and Cold.
March, I rename Icy. (or Cancun, for those lucky people who can escape the last little bit of winter by buying a plane ticket and flying to warmer climes.)
April shall be known as Slush.
May will be renamed Getting There.
June, I will call Pre-Summer.
July can stay July.
August shall be renamed Hot as Balls.
September is a three-way tie between School Begins, Parents Rejoice, and Those Fucking Yellowjackets.
October is, of course, Halloween.
It follows, then, that November shall be renamed Thanksgiving.
December can be called Christmas, Hanukah, or Kwanza. For those who don’t celebrate any winter holiday, you may use Pre-Cold.
I will submit my suggestions and let you know what “they” say. If my suggestions are accepted, I’ll be sure to get some new calendars printed up.
They should be ready by August. I mean, Hot as Balls.
Love, Lust, and Laptops 